Imposter Syndrome

imposter

I figured ‘what is this blog for if I can’t express myself?’ I want this to be a springboard for a potential career but also this is a place where I can write whatever I like. Getting my assignments in took it out of me – I never wanted to write anything ever again. It’s difficult when you want to do things but you’re so mistrusting of your own abilities that you’re rendered inert.

Insecurity plagued my teenage years, in everything from playing music, to making art, to writing stories. Anything creative I would doubt. I used to spend my breaks writing chapters of fantasy books that would never be finished, drawing other-worldly characters that would never come to life. The trope of ‘I’m not like other girls’ is one I particularly hate as it carries the air of superiority, something I’ve never felt and I hope I never will. But it’s true. I honestly did feel different from the others. A clear memory is from when I was 13; a girl in my friendship circle leaning over me and reading aloud a line of speech from one of my protagonists. I wanted to die. Just wanted to crawl inside myself and take all my papers with me, sew them into a blanket and fall asleep forever to the sound of Elven harps.

If there’s one thing I can say about me, it’s that I’m a quitter. I quit the violin, I quit piano, I quit my professional singing lessons, I quit composition, I quit painting, I quit running, I’ve quit every single diet I’ve ever tried, I quit my part-time job, I quit crochet, I quit cycling. I quit writing. The only things I haven’t quit are singing, gaming, and learning the cornet.

My university work has suffered greatly because of this. And here is where the title of this piece comes in; I get good grades. I recently got the marks back for a 7,000 word essay on the music of Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture and it was a good result. So why did I spend the rest of the afternoon crying? Because I truly truly don’t believe I deserved that mark. I’ve just got very good English skills and I’m good at bullshitting. Maybe I should work for a tabloid.

I constantly fight the belief that I’m not good enough. Constantly battling the conviction that I can’t do certain things because I’m not skilled enough. Worrying about the words people will say behind my back (‘Phoebe’s doing wHAt?’ ‘What an idiot, who does she think she is?’ ‘Sit down, you can’t possibly think YOU can succeed at this?’). The word ‘she’ cuts like an insult, inferiority coursing through all three letters, the sibilance slicing through the air like a chef’s knife. There’s just something about that word that isn’t right, like a circle in a round hole with one square edge sticking out of the top.

There’s only one way to combat this feeling, as I’ve learned from when I first started playing the cornet and was in a brass band playing music that was far too difficult for me. You just have to keep doing it. Eventually you learn that it’s okay to still be learning, and it’s okay for your work to not be to the standard you want just yet. Being a beginner is completely acceptable. Which is why I’m not going to let this blog stagnate again because I’m scared that it’s not good enough.

I don’t work for an editor (yet). So, right now, the only person who can evaluate the quality of my writing is myself.

Ludo2017 – Thursday 20th April

This year I have the privilege of attending the annual Ludomusicology conference in Bath, UK, organised by the Ludomusicology Research Group which is run by Tim Summers, Michiel Kamp, Mark Sweeney, and Melanie Fritsch. Having referenced Summers and Fritsch in my undergraduate dissertation I’m very pleased to be here and listening to some of the most current research in the video game music field.

The day starts with a friendly registration where I get a badge and a booklet containing all the abstracts for the next three days (I also meet James Cook, a musicologist and lecturer who taught briefly at my university, and it’s nice to see someone I know especially as this is a pretty niche field at the moment). At about half past nine the party is whisked upstairs to one of the lecture rooms, where Tim greets us all formally and introduces the first speaker. It seems I needn’t have worried about my jeans being more than a little faded as it’s all very informal; I get the feeling that of all the fields of music this is probably one of the least snobbish.

The first speaker is Blake Troise, with a paper entitled ‘Beeper Music: The Compositional Idiolect of 1-Bit Music’. It goes a little over my head as I’ve had almost no experience with music technology (give me a blank Sibelius file and I’ll be alright), but it’s hugely interesting to hear the different methods for getting around the technical limitations of 1-bit music and creating polyphony out of something that is naturally monophonic. The rest of the first session is equally as technical and I start to worry that maybe I’m not cut out for this after all, but then a topic comes up that I wrote about extensively in my undergrad dissertation; diegesis.

(Just for clarification and also for me because I literally had to Google this before typing it as I can never remember which one is which: diegetic means music or sound that is heard in-game, by the characters and is a part of the action, and non-diegetic means music or sound that comes from outside and is only meant to be heard by the player. A good example of this is in Fallout, where the radio in the Pip-Boy is supposed to be heard by the character, whereas the general game soundtrack is only for the benefit of the player and is not heard by the character.)

Stephen Tatlow comes to the front with his paper ‘Diegesis and the Player Voice: Communication in Fantasy Reality’, arguing that when the playable character has no voice, the voice of the player, when using a microphone, essentially becomes part of the on-screen action and, in effect, becomes the character themselves. He questions why player voice, especially in MMORPGs, was not considered diegetic sound when it is most often used to direct other players to complete quests or do certain actions. An argument against that, he states, is that a fundamental concept of RPGs is immersion. Introducing an element of the real-world, for want of a better phrase, has the tendency to break immersion and can ruin the experience. My ears pricked up at this point as I thought about my own experience with World of Warships, as I lose many more battles than I win when playing alone – but with much more experienced friends, I find myself playing better and winning a lot more. Those disembodied voices are, for all intents and purposes, part of my particular game. In this way, every single player will have a different experience of a multiplayer or MMO depending on the people they are playing with, and the method and language used for communicating can either make or break the fantasy barrier.

The keynote speaker, Kenneth McAlpine, gives an hour long lecture on chiptune music and goes into detail about his own childhood experiences with the C64 and Spectrum, and I’m now kicking myself for not writing more things down as it was honestly so interesting I forgot to write. One thing he mentioned does stick in my head; that chiptune music is now so associated with the 1980s that it’s impossible to take it out of that environment and not have it sound retro. It got me thinking about Fallout 4 (again) and the use of various beeps, boops, and distortions used for the Pip-Boy sounds. I wondered why the developers chose to use those as opposed to more sophisticated sounds which I believe would be more likely used in the far future, especially for a portable computer. I concluded that it was probably because it was more important to give the player something they could relate to, and if chiptune music is so associated with times gone by, then what better to show the passage of time than an outdated method of composition?

Until lunch, it all goes a bit technical again and while I’m trying my hardest I do lose track a bit. Ben Jameson gives an interesting analysis of his composition ‘Construction in Metal’, a piece for electric guitar and Guitar Hero controller which challenges the authenticity of performance for both the ‘real’ guitar and the ‘fake’ guitar, and there’s a fascinating talk by Ricardo Clement about composing music using game engines. Ricardo finishes his paper at about quarter past one, and we break for lunch.

I have to post a picture of my lunch. For real. Look at this:

ludo lunch

I’ve never been happier. It was delicious. I have no idea what was in that pie but it was amazing.

After (a frankly incredible) lunch, it’s time for the ‘Realities and Spaces’ part of the talks, and the final section of today’s conference. The last paper, given by Elizabeth Hambleton and titled ‘Levels of Reality and Artifice in The Talos Principle‘ is one of my favourites of the day; Elizabeth goes into detail about the methods used in The Talos Principle to convince you of the reality of the game’s overworld. She also mentions the use of a choir whenever Elohim, the disembodied voice of God which speaks to your character everywhere they go, is heard. It may be that this choir affirms the position of Elohim as the benevolent creator of all things, perhaps making him seem more trustworthy; I’m reminded of church choirs and how religion is so often accompanied by music, so hearing this choir would make it seem that everything was in order. Elizabeth shares some spoilers about the ending which I won’t reproduce here, but it looks like a fascinating game for more than just the music and I’ll be purchasing it the next time Steam has a sale.

We wrapped up the day there, and went to the next room for a small drinks reception. I left quite quickly as I wasn’t staying for the dinner, but it’s been a fascinating first day. Personally I’m quite glad that lots of the music tech papers have been put on the first day, because I’m much more interested in what’s going to come tomorrow and Saturday. It’s amazing to hear studies on video game music from so many different perspectives, and I’m sure I’ll be leaving on Saturday enlightened and with many ideas for my own personal study.

Why I Started Gaming

I’ve always loved playing. When I was a kid my favourite playground game was Girls vs Boys, an elaborate game of It where if you got caught, you had to sit on the other team’s base (usually a bench) until a plucky teammate got through the defences and rescued you. I was on the boys’ team.

When it was raining, the class would stay inside and I would play with plastic geometric shapes with hinges so you could snap them together and make 3D structures. I spent my lunchtimes trying to make a football out of blue hexagons. It was a process of trial and error, but eventually I was quick enough at the start to almost finish – until a classmate smashed it with their foot. Not the happiest day for a nine-year-old who just wanted to make a football.

Over time, this progressed to video games. Hours spent at my neighbour’s playing Crash Bandicoot on the PS1 and Pokémon Sapphire on the Gameboy Advance pretty much set me up as a gamer for life, although it was Theme Hospital, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, and a delightfully gory game called Heart of Darkness which solidified my love for the PC, my preferred gaming platform. I have always enjoyed my own company and there wasn’t anything I’d like to do rather than come home after school, go to my room and make a new family in The Sims. I loved creating characters, building them a home and keeping them happy. And then getting bored (no aging mechanic in The Sims), setting fire to the kitchen and starting over.

In my teens, I developed mental health problems. Gaming, then, turned from being a fun activity to something I would do to escape reality. When The Sims 2 was released I spent hours and hours creating characters and homes like before, but now I could give them stories and a fantasy life, free from the depression I was experiencing. If I were to name the defining game of my teenage years it would absolutely be The Sims 2.

And then, when I was seventeen, a friend lent me a copy of Bethesda’s The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

Finally I could totally immerse myself in a fantasy world that bore no relation to the one I was living in. I fell in love with the lore, the landscape, the towns, cities, monsters, characters, and Jeremy Soule’s incredible score which still sends tingles of nostalgia through me. The range of races and the history behind each one fascinated me, and I relished creating my own character and putting a little bit of myself into them. I developed an affinity with certain characters and hated others, I tried to keep my character’s decisions as consistent as possible to build up a personality for them. Being able to go anywhere and completely ignore the main quest if I wanted was a big win for me. In total, I reckon I’ve spent anywhere from 500 to 1000+ hours playing OblivionThe Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim was released not long after that and my love of RPGs only increased.

I love video games. I love everything about them. I love multiplayer and solo games. I love puzzle games and adventure games, rhythm games, open world games, first person shooters, simulation games. A friend of mine has got me into World of Warships and I’m going to London with some friends to see the HMS Belfast, and might go to Poland in the summer to see the ORP Błyskawica. Video games can affect us in many different ways, such as highlighting human behaviour and asking questions about society and how we live our lives. Other games have such impressive artwork that you have to stop and look for a while. I think, though, the main thing about games is that they are fun and entertaining, and personally I couldn’t do without them. That’s why I’ve started this blog – I game purely for fun and I’d like to turn my hobby into something worthwhile. I intend to write reviews of new and older games with a little bit of a personal kick, as every gamer will experience a game differently. I personally like to connect with characters and I like a game that leaves me thinking, so I’d also like to do some analysis of games. And, as I’m a musician and musicologist, I’d also like to have a look at some of the most iconic video game scores and see what makes them so special. I hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as I’ve enjoyed writing this piece.

– Phoebe Wright